'We All Enjoy A Belting Prank'

Aug 3 2008 John Hillcoat

A QUESTION folk often ask me is: Do footballers ever grow up? In a word - NO!

There's no doubt in my mind the majority of players are childish, immature and always up to no good.

Take Thursday night after training at East Stirling for instance. I was last to leave Firs Park and couldn't believe my eyes when I saw my car covered in soggy cardboard.

What possesses someone to carry out such an act?

If it happened in any other line of work the poor victim would be on the phone to human resources claiming they were being bullied.

But it didn't take Columbo to find the culprits as a guy with grey tints in his hair and another with a Bay City Rollers barnet were seen sneaking away from the crime scene.

They could hardly conceal their joy either - giving each other high fives as if they had just pulled off the biggest job since Ronnie Biggs.

There will be repercussions Colin Cramb and David "Kilroy" Nicholls - don't worry about that.

Child is h pranks are everywhere in football - and even the referees sometimes take part.

Our recent game against Airdrie had to be delayed for five minutes because someone tied the tightest knot ever in the sleeves of my goalie top.

I had to wriggle around like a hyperactive fish in a straitjacket and later found out whistler Craig Charleston had performed the dirty deed. Here's me thinking us baldies stuck together too.

A dressing-room full of ugly, smelly footballers is a totally different environment from any other workplace.

Every day an unsuspecting dude will be the butt of a joke that has the potential to send him over the edge.

But most guys wouldn't have it any other way.

I enjoyed a wee chuckle after learning that jokers at Motherwell hid two rotten fish in Steven McGarry's car for three months before he finally cottoned on.

Some people would see that as bad crack but for footballers it's par for the course. And pure genius if you ask me.

There have been some great dressing-room pranks and the most controversial one involved Partick Thistle manager Ian McCall when he was playing at Dundee.

Colly allegedly left gaffer Simon Stainrod a wee brown present in his shoe and by all accounts the prank went down like Victoria Beckham at a weight watchers meeting.

I have witnessed hundreds of dodgy pranks but most are too vile to print as they include human excrement. They would put you off Mars Bars and apple juice for good.

However, a few light-hearted ones still stand out.

Former Rangers midfielder Ian Ferguson loved his streaky blonde locks when he was at St Mirren in the late Eighties.

And Fergie would bring in the "team" shampoo for folk to use in the bath.

Everyone from Frank McGarvey to physio Bobby Holmes used Fergie's gear but they didn't know some mohawk, who will remain nameless, was using the shampoo bottle as a urinal.

And the guilty man peed himself laughing as he watched McGarvey and Co get caught by his sordid scam.

Jimmy Bone was always up to no good when he was St Mirren's assistant manager.

Trying to get a pair of boots from the club in those days was like trying to get a drink from Campbell Money.

But I remember Jimmy raising the hopes of Danny McGill when he was lazing in the bath after training.

Jimmy waited for his moment and handed young Danny an Adidas box with his name written on the top.

But when Danny opened his box of goodies he found a LOBSTER.

The red monster was thrown up in the air as McGill splashed around like a mad man in the hope it didn't latch on to his family jewels. Needless to say Danny was in a nippy mood for ages.

Former Ayr United man Darren Henderson told me a belter about the players stitching up ex-Somerset Park boss Gordon Dalziel.

By all accounts Gordon loves country and western singer Sydney Devine so the lads arranged for the bold Steak n' Kidney to make an appearance at training one day.

Hendo and Co produced a masterstroke as they persuaded Sydney to get changed into some training gear but keep his cowboy boots and hat on.

They then waited with him in the dressing-room when training was due to start.

Dazza got angry when the players failed to show on time and smashed open the door to let rip at them.

But he soon changed his tune when he noticed Devine sitting amongst the lads with football socks tucked over his cowboy boots.

Gordon turned from monster to a star-struck teenager in a matter of seconds and training was abandoned that day.

Ayr romped to promotion so you could say the visit from a country and western old timer helped make it a fantastic YEEHAA for the club.