Alison's Diary

Oct 26 2008

MONDAY

It's the school October week already. How did that happen? Louis is doing a rugby course so we are staying close to home. Rather him than me - it is blowing a gale today and the storm wakes me up at the crack of dawn battering the windows but he is up in his kit and raring to go by 8.45am.

As he rushes out the door I look at my cosy comfy bed - then pal Fiona phones to say she can't do the dog walk as Daniel the spaniel has kennel cough. I get my slippers off, grab the paper, let the dogs out of the kitchen, get back into bed and with Flora - half dog, half Womble - lying on my feet and stay put with a giant mug of tea till 10.30am. This is how October week should be. Pure heaven.

TUESDAY

A while ago Dave asked if I would like to go to the Warrant Dinner - which I thought would be full of people who had a warrant out for their arrest so I did hesitate. But no, it is for companies and individuals who supply the Royal Household with goods and services.

It's tomorrow night so today I try to steer clear of all individuals who can and do lead me astray. Dynamite phoned to say she fancied a film and in terms of bad behaviour there is no one more dangerous.

We pledge to be good and walk to the cinema but as we draw level with the bar we look at each other before quickly grabbing each other's arm and march off to the box office. We mean business - nae bevvy.

We see How To Lose Friends And Alienate People starring the hilarious Simon Pegg after which we are happy, sober and even run past the bar on the way out, halo intact.

WEDNESDAY

After the early night and nae booze I'm up at my desk by 8am. At 3pm I hit the hairdresser - I don't mean with my fist - but new guy Craig turns my hanging rats' tails into a 'do' worthy of such illustrious company at the Warrant Dinner.

Into the unfeasibly high heels and the taxi drops us at the Caledonian Hotel. On entry Dave and I get a whiff of champagne and dive through the throng to grab one. It is only once in there we realise the throng was a queue as all guests are formally announced one by one.

Glass in hand we skulk back round and queue properly. Have a really good night. We are sitting at Corney Barrow wine merchants table - need I say more? Hic.

THURSDAY

Off to East Lothian to be a hypocrite. Last week I was slagging off Dave and his golfing trousers but this week I have a shot myself whilst wearing a pair of dodgy slacks.

Truth is I had a head like a bag of bolts this morning and by the time I had coffee, porridge and a palpitation I needed to do something drastic. Louis and I play - well he plays while I scramble around in the rough. I think I reached my peak on the first green. Lose six balls and we only played nine holes.

Afterwards I sit stuffing a bacon sandwich into my chops and my mum can't stop grinning at me.

What now? I slope off to the loo and scream, 'What's this, facial dandruff?' I'm covered in sand from flailing around in the bunkers. Still a free exfoliation can't be bad.

FRIDAY

At art class on a Friday and have been sketching all week. My book is full of animal drawings - specifically pigs though there is also a portrait of an elderly man. The tutor has a flick through it then says: "Ah yes, I see that you're into pigs and old men." I reply: "Yes they can often be one and the same" as my pal Jenny brings the remainder of her muffin out of her nose and we giggled like a pair of 10-year-olds.

In need of a Burger King. Haven't had one for ages but that new campaign "You will remember where you had your first Angus" has got under my skin and into my heid. So much so Dave, Louis and I get a drive-through. When Louis starts grumping that we only got one packet of fries Dave goes off on a "you don't know you're born, we could be living in a ditch in Iraq" rant. We'll remember where we had our first Angus all right - huffing in Dundee. Happy families.

SATURDAY

Off to see pals Tracy and Graeme who have just come back from New Zealand. They were being filmed for BBC show Wanted Down Under which takes families considering emigrating over for a look.

At one point Rob the cameraman spotted Tracy looking nervous as they drove up a one in 10 gradient road with no barrier and a sheer drop. Naturally he picked up his camera and put it right in her face to record the expression of horror. Silly man.

Tracy just eyeballed him right down the lens and said: "Turn that ****** camera off right now or learn to fly."

Needless to say the camera was quickly switched off. I can't wait to see the show.