Alison's Diary

Oct 5 2008

MONDAY

My pal's husband was playing golf on Saturday at Archerfield in East Lothian. Helen is not a golfer so arranged to meet him for lunch at the club afterwards. On arrival, she got herself a drink and was just staring into space waiting for him when she spotted a Ronan Keating look-alike. This happens a lot in Helen's head - she is a diehard Boyzone fan. It was at this point that her husband drew up a chair and, with her eyes boring into this poor unfortunate and snorkling into her gin and tonic, she said: "God, doesn't he look like Ronan Keating?" Her husband replied calmly: "Oh, that is Ronan Keating." My friend brought most of the gin out through her nose. It seems Ronan, right, was there to raise money for breast cancer with Ian Botham and various other well-known faces. Her husband barely noticed - unlike Helen who is still there on the off chance he comes back.

TUESDAY

Here's proof my pal Anne did the gorilla run in London at the weekend.

They had to pick their own accessories so they could distinguish one from the other. I think the Saltire is very fetching. She did it, survived then went on an all-day bender during which she left her handbag in a house. So she borrowed a tenner from a pal and spent the rest of the night rushing from party to party with nothing but a make-up bag containing facial tissues for a sweaty gorilla and a change purse. She ended up at a 21st bash. Thanks to the suit, no one guessed she was in her 40s until, due to heat exhaustion, she had to take the head off and throw another drink down her hairy throat. She flew home on Sunday, waking up with her head on the shoulder of the man next to her having spent most of the journey snoring. How stylish.

WEDNESDAY

Chained to my desk today so by noon I am going mad. I always have the radio on and flick from channel to channel. Today I am listening to pal Darren Adam interviewing American singer Idina Menzel, right, star of Wicked on Broadway and the West End. She has a new album out and the chat goes swimmingly until Darren asks: "What music do you listen to, to pleasure yourself?" I spit my coffee out as he realises what he has said and bursts out laughing. Clearly, he meant to ask, "What music do you listen to for pleasure?" He giggles for a few minutes, as I do. I'd say Idina will dine out on that one for a while. I would.

THURSDAY

Doing events for Spinal Injuries Scotland so have a lunch meeting at Chez Pierre in Edinburgh. For £6 each, we have salad, a snack, main course, a sweet and coffee.

It is delicious. Pierre, right, will do well during this credit crunch and deserves to - what amazing value. I have flogged my gas guzzler and am now the proud owner of a diesel Golf. As we drive around, it tells you how many mpg you are doing. I can't help reading it out loud: "68, 71, 99." Louis says: "Are you going to do that constantly? It's really lame." As I pull over, I reply: "You can walk then." He shuts up. As we drive out of town, I hear a voice saying: "121mpg, that's incredible." I catch his eye in the mirror and we both laugh - he is as impressed as I am despite his teenage brain saying: "Must not agree with mother."

FRIDAY

It's my birthday 110 years old.

Having a quiet one - just Dave, me, Louis, my mum and my old pal George who is staying with us. I told my family not to buy presents as we are credit crunched. Unfortunately, Dave listened. Not amused. To make up, he takes us to Bar Roma for tea. He is forgiven as we swig down a big glass of white. A girl at the next table comes up and says: "Hello, I read your column every week." She points at her man and adds: "He picked me up from work at 3.30 and hasn't even noticed he is wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe." We have a good laugh about that then I wheech my camera out and take a photo of the shoes and the couple - Robert and Karen, above - who will be mortified to see this. It's good to know I am not alone with shoe disasters and accosting people in bars.

SATURDAY

I am hooked on X Factor. I love Cheryl Cole. She is so normal and clearly gets up Dannii's nose - which makes her even more likeable. I made a big curry which has been marinating in the fridge for two days. I put it in the oven, making a bit of a song and dance about the herbs and spices that will have permeated the meat and made it really tasty. As the credits for X Factor roll, I get the curry out and we settle on the couch. Within two minutes all three of us are in the kitchen drinking as much water as we can get into our mouths. It seems my hand slipped when putting in the chilli sauce. It is more the X-pletive factor until, after a tub of yoghurt each, we return to the couch with a bag of crisps and the phone number for a pizza delivery.

Never see Nigella doing that.