Alison's Diary

Aug 31 2008

MONDAY

There should be a reminder not to pick up the phone if you live in Edinburgh at this time of year. The odds are you will hear the words, "Hi there, remember me?" and of course the imagined response of, "No, go away. Of course I don't remember you," never quite comes out that way.

So tonight we get the call. After a couple of minutes of stalling I manage to elicit their name and dimly recall an American girl I met several years ago on a churning ferry crossing. I thought we were all going to sink so what harm was there giving her my number when she'd never get the chance to use it?

Wrong. We survived and here she is announcing she is coming to Edinboro' with her husband and daughter and asking where would I recommend to stay. I should have said, "Google it for God's sake" but instead I hear myself say, "Och, just stay here."

TUESDAY

Dave's eyebrows leave his forehead when I tell him we have three strangers arriving for two nights on Thursday. I assure him they are lovely but I can remember little about them.

I dig out photos - there we are on the ferry, white-faced, terrified, holding on to the rails and each other. What were we doing? Fools. I don't normally drink whisky but had a bottle in my hand as the boat rolled from side to side and the waves crashed over our feet and it looked like Davy Jones's Locker for us. The whisky might explain why I gave out the phone number.

Round me is the arm of a tall man who looks spookily like Dick Van Dyke. Next to him is a scared-looking woman who could have been in the Brady Bunch and their sullen-looking daughter.

Yikes. The Addams Family are coming to stay.

WEDNESDAY

For the duration of the Festival, London's Soho House has taken over a place in Edinburgh's west end. For members this means an endless supply of free food and drink - no, that is not a misprint. My pal Fi has been living there since it opened and she takes Dynamite, Nicky and I along for a scoff and a swig.

We walk in and Dyna immediately spots How To Look Good Naked's Gok Wan, below, our favourite TV celebrity, at the bar. Fi walks past nonchalantly but Dynamite is unable to contain herself.

"Gok Wan! I think you are fabulous!" she shrieks as Nicky squawks, "Gok, Gok, can I have my photo taken with you?" She thrusts her phone camera at Dyna who does the needful.

An hour later Dynamite is about to accost him for tips on how to disguise the bigger boob when Fi announces we are off. As we are leaving we spot Angus Deayton and Kate Garraway - without a calf attached to her chest for a change.

THURSDAY

The Addams Family arrive this afternoon at four. I am making up the beds while David checks the locks - he really shouldn't have watched American Psycho, right. At 4.45pm we are standing with brushed hair and shirts tucked in waiting for the doorbell to ring.

Nothing.

At six we come to the conclusion they are not coming after all. At 7.30 we decide we might as well eat at the restaurant we had booked to give them a flavour of Edinburgh. By 10pm we are walking home, laughing at how close we came to being invaded by weirdos.

We make our usual pact never to hand over our number to anyone, no matter how nice they seem. At least it made us tidy the house.

FRIDAY

The Fringe performers are packing up and sliding off to their next port of call which means Edinburgh's streets return to normal. Well, nearly.

Thanks to the council, every road has a digger or five, one lane blocked off, a temporary set of traffic lights, cones, barriers and a trail of miserable and dejected retail outlets trying to keep their heads above water. What a shambles.

It's much calmer over the water in Fife, specifically at the Rothes Hall, Glenrothes where Dyna ends up at an award ceremony. She sits next to SNP MSP Tricia Marwick, a great character, and the two of them get on like a house on fire.

Dynamite lets slip she is not a real political animal when she asks the question, "So how is your campaign door-stopping doing?" "Do you mean door-stepping?" grins Tricia. Ah yes. After that they talk non-stop about everything but politics and have a great time.

SATURDAY

Ignoring the benefits of aerobics and the gym, Dyna signs up for Inches 2 Lose. You go along and a machine pushes and twangs you in the belief you will be svelte and lovely after a few sessions. I am waiting to see the results before I hand over my cash but she is optimistic her bum is firmer. I decline her invitation to give it a grapple and take her word for it.

With the Festival over at last, it's lovely to be at home with my husband and son without anyone else for the first time in weeks.

We unplug the phone, order in an Indian carry-out and watch X Factor. Bliss.

This is the Inches On Instantly Campaign.

It's guaranteed to work and I can highly recommend it. Pop goes the top of the trousers.