Alison's Diary

Jul 13 2008

MONDAY

Rafael Nadal won Wimbledon yesterday. We're on holiday and only have local TV so watched it in Spanish. The Irish family next door have satellite, which is about a second ahead, and were supporting Roger Federer. Every time we reached the climax of a rally there would be a sudden hysterical screech from next door giving away who had won the point. The tennis has sparked a craze - Dave can't stop playing. He arranges lessons for himself and Louis from local coach Rafael, whose technique is to shout at half asleep Dave, "Come on! You're playing like a baby!" It works - Dave starts trying - too hard. So hard he is now walking like John Wayne. The rest of us just laugh.

TUESDAY

Dave's tennis obsession has spread to my cousin Patsy's husband Mark and Louis. The three of them flail around sweating on a daily basis. Still, it keeps them off the streets I suppose. Patsy, mum and I just sunbathe and meet them at lunchtime.

Today we are sitting eating when the next table fills up with eight couples. The man at the head of the table has a splendid Tom Selleck in Magnum PIstyle moustache - something you don't see anymore now he and Dickie Davies are off the telly. As his pal turns round I see his profile and he has another magnificent bushy number. Then I notice the other two men in their company and amazingly they too sport massive 1970s bush baby 'taches. Louis and I can't stop laughing - it's like a sketch from Peep Show. Please God if that look is in don't tell Dave. What with that and the tennis he might be mistaken for Lord Lucan.

WEDNESDAY

I hate snakes. I can't even look at them in the zoo. Once on the Fred MacAulay show there was one in the studio and I ran out. Today Dave and I are strolling through a park and I'm on the phone when he nudges me gently and points down. It's a long, black snake. Aaaagh. He should have picked me up and put me high up in a tree. I scream, drop the phone and run at speed in the opposite direction until far enough away (about a mile) that I have shaken it off. I turn round to see David doubled over, wheezing with laughter. I'll double him over and it won't be with laughter. Silly man.

THURSDAY

The men go for a stroll while we women sunbathe. Dave has sat still for less than five minutes since we arrived. Mark is the same - he is always on his bike or wandering. I look along the road and see mum being embraced by a man. On closer inspection it's Donald Smith from North Berwick, the guy who built my parents' house. He is meandering too and confesses he can't sit still, so I point out Dave and Mark - who are back on the tennis court at this point - and it is as if a light has been switched on. Kindred spirits. The alien race. By 5pm they have all met, had a drink and planned a tennis match for tomorrow. The chefs - Dave and Louis - against the builders, Mark and Donald. Meanwhile, Patsy, mum, Donald's wife Cath and I do what we were born to do in this climate...relax.

FRIDAY

The men are playing tennis - well that's what they call it. When I pass on the way to the beach they all just seem to be chasing rolling balls round the court while looking red and sweaty.

Despite Rafael coaching Louis and co (It is more like bowling than tennis.) Afterwards they plan to hire bikes and suss out the golf course on the hill. The girls collapse with books on loungers on the beach. "Men are not just from different planets but different galaxies - it's amazing we can live in the same house in harmony," Patsy ruminates. We meet each others' eyes and laugh. Perfect harmony? I think the sun has got to her.

SATURDAY

Sit on the beach all day and toast then Dave takes me out for dinner in the evening. It feels like we haven't been in the same place at the same time for ages. I haven't touched wine either as my body is revolting - yes, in more ways than one - against the vino. Tonight I make an exception and it is lush. How I have pined for it. As we sashay out of the restaurant I spot a light in the shape of a man. "What a lovely man," I say and rush over to cuddle it while Dave uncharacteristically snaps a photo. It makes me look quite small so I am going to have this made into our Christmas card by superimposing a Santa hat on it.