Alison's Diary

Jun 22 2008

Lifestyle

MONDAY

Tragically our loo is blocked. Stuart the plumber arrives smiling until he sees the scene of the crime. After an hour he has no option but to detach it from the floor, carry it outside and deal with it in the street. Mum and I are sitting keeping an eye on what is happening but not too closely for obvious reasons.

Folk from the neighbouring flats stroll past on this lovely sunny evening and do a double take as they realise their eyes are not deceiving them - there IS a man with his arm in a toilet S bend placing it in the gutter. The phone rings as we are hysterically laughing and Mum picks it up. Her pal says: "Oh Pat, I'm sorry, I'll call back - you're obviously upset." Regaining a modicum of control, mum says: "No. I am hysterical but laughing, not crying!"

TUESDAY

There is no let-up in homework regardless of the fact end of term is nigh. Louis has to write four pages on the Eiffel Tower. Being the font of no knowledge, I encourage him to get on the internet. An hour later he produces his homework for me to have a quick look at. I can't help but laugh. It has all the facts and figures you would expect but he also writes: "There is an excellent restaurant on the second level, which I can highly recommend." "How can you highly recommend it?" I ask, snorting with laughter. "Well, grandma's been," he says, glancing at Mum. She replies: "Yes - in 1976."

WEDNESDAY

Going to the premiere of The Edge Of Love tomorrow night. It's the launch of the Edinburgh International Film Festival. Sienna Miller, Keira Knightley and Matthew Rhys are starring and expected on the red carpet.

The theme for the party is 1940s.

Handily I look as if I was born in 1940 without my slap on at the moment and decide the best way to disguise age and newly found eczema on the eyelids is fake tan.

A pal comes over and sprays me and Dynamite DI. We emerge 25 minutes later in our bras and pants to gales of laughter from the long-suffering husband. He says I look like Whoopi Goldberg.

As the evening progresses it develops further - dear God, at this rate I won't be able to leave the house.

THURSDAY

Palms orange, body dark brown. Film starts at 5.45pm and until then I stand in the shower scrubbing. Instead of floral 1940s frock have to wear black jeans and a white jacket to disguise my orange tan.

Before the screening the stars all troop in and, yes, Keira, left, and Sienna are absolutely beautiful. Matthew Rhys is cute but there is no sign of the gorgeous Cillian Murphy. The Edge Of Love is too long and depressing so we grab a cab the second it is over to get to the party and cheer ourselves up. A few gins later and the smile is back, especially when I clock Dylan Moran, star of Run Fat Boy Run - the funniest film we've seen in years. Home 1.30am for a packet of ham and two Kit Kats at the fridge door. Classy.

FRIDAY

Off to the launch of the Vanity Fair Photographic Exhibition at the Scottish Portrait Gallery. It is an early start (6.30am) so don't get a chance to eat before we go, tummy rumbling. The first person I bump into is Michelin-starred chef Andrew Fairlie from Gleneagles Hotel. It is tempting to kidnap him, take him back to my house and make him cook something but everyone deserves a night off now and again. The champagne is flowing, as are some lethal cocktails, so I am glad I saw the photographs first. They are wonderful - from 1913 to the present day. Iconic images include Picasso, Jack Nicholson playing golf in his dressing gown and a childhood Drew Barrymore, above. I can recommend it highly.

SATURDAY

Off to North Berwick for the night.

Dave's gone fishing so I head to the beach in thermal underwear with a kagool. Have a long walk, go for a massive pasta and collapse by 10pm in bed. Pal Frazer phones asking if I would like to see Boyzone at Edinburgh Castle. "I'm already going to see Girls Aloud," I say. "I'll take that as a yes then?" replies smarty pants. Correct. Get a call from Dave who has caught a 2lb trout. That's tea sorted out - though if it still has its eyes in I may have to phone Andrew Fairlie for tips.