My Liver Finally Starts Speaking To Me Again

Mar 9 2008

MONDAY

Am presenting a show on Radio Forth on Sundays for a few weeks so was a model of self-control on Saturday night to prevent me sounding like a 67 year old man. This plan has shocked my liver but at least it and I are now on speaking terms. Friday night is the designated party night and I just asked everyone round to ours. We ordered in a curry and gossiped until our tongues were sore. During the evening there was a momentary lapse in conversation and friend Tracy suddenly asked: "Do any of you know what is the technical term for a bottle of wine that is open for longer than 20 minutes?" We looked at her, shaking our heads. "Empty!" she announced proudly before rushing off for another.

TUESDAY

Dynamite is back ! Physically she never left but aurally she has been away as she had been getting gradually deafer until she heard buzzing in her ears and felt dizzy. Today she finally goes to see Doc Holiday. After a poke in her lugs he asks if she has ever been bothered with wax. She confesses she has and used ear drops. He asks if she put cotton wool in to stop it dribbling out. Turns out her ears are full of cotton wool, which has worked its way all the way in. The doc syringes it all out. Afterwards she shouts hallellujah and almost deafens herself, forgetting she now has 20-20 hearing. We have renamed her Lynsday Wagner Bionic Woman as she can hear absolutely everything - of course that doesn't mean she makes any more sense. Welcome back anyway.

WEDNESDAY

To mark World Book Day, the primary school has invited every pupil to come as their favourite character. Friend Mags is up with the sparrows to help her wee girl Si Si get dressed up as Tracy Beaker. Si Si is blonde so Mags has agreed to vegetable dye her hair black (which washes out) and ties it up. She is feeling like a goodly mother when she drops a delighted Si Si off to enjoy her day. Later she is telling a friend of her busy morning when her friend breaks the news that World Book Day is actually tomorrow. Oops! So the poor soul wanders around all day in character while all her friends are in normal uniform. Let's hope it doesn't cause long-term psychological damage.

THURSDAY

Thanks to Bill Findlay for writing and telling me he shared a public convenience with nobility - well almost. He held the toilet door open for Lord David Owen at the theatre in Pitlochry. It reminds me of the story of my dad and his friend in a hotel loo years ago standing next to each other doing what men need to do. Dad glanced at the face of the guy at his other side and recognised it from stage and screen. He was so taken aback, without thinking he turned towards him, which meant he was now urinating on his shoes, and said: "You're Matt Munro!" Unfortunately for him it wasn't - it was a not very amused Dicky Valentine another star of the day. Oops.

FRIDAY

David was at the Saints and Sinners charity lunch today. It is aptly named as the quiet living, pure souls that turn out suited and booted inevitably stay well into the night. I am ready with a gallon of water and packet of Resolve for the man formerly known as David to appear home. He arrives and I lead him into the kitchen to assess the damage. Shockingly he is as fresh as a daisy. Well maybe not quite a daisy but I have seen a lot worse. The reason? He sat next to a guy called Steve who had run a marathon round Mount Everest. When Dave asked about his training he was put to shame. Walking the dog and the odd game of golf didn't seem the extreme sport it had earlier. He has vowed a fitness regime - we'll see.

SATURDAY

Big fundraiser for The Yard, a playground in Edinburgh for children with additional support needs. What a great night. The Prov Johnstone Tribute Band kick off the live music and are tremendous. The band are a mix of professional musicians and medical people and they play for free to support charity. The unusual name came from a colleague they lost to leukaemia. He always fancied doing Stars In Your Eyes, so his pals formed a band and threw a fundraiser for leukaemia research. They raised loads of cash and were so good they have been playing together for charity ever since. Next on are The M8s - a band of businessmen who wish they were rock stars and are absolutely superb. It warms the cockles of your heart to see them help such a good cause.