How To Get A Pizza The Action

Feb 10 2008 By Alison Craig

Monday - Out on Saturday night with lots of folk for pizza. Neighbour Gerard asked everyone in for a quick swally before we headed off. Time flew and suddenly were due at the restaurant. On arrival someone asked pal Fiona where her delightful husband Callum was. "Och, probably outside having a fag," she said and carried on chatting. Twenty minutes later, when she drew breath, there was still no sign of him as she heard her mobile announcing a text had arrived. It was from Callum and read "Locked in Gerard's house - help!" He had nipped to the loo as everyone was rushing out and got locked in. Gerard went tanking round to find Callum who by this time had got the football on the telly, found a half-finished bottle of wine and was prefectly content sitting, drinking and lounging on the couch.

Tuesday - Dynamite Di is settling into her new breakfast programme on Kingdom FM. The show is from 6-10am and it's a real hoot. She gets a lot of hilarious chat going and is such a laugh people phone in just to banter with the mad one and say they read about her regularly in this column. One caller today is answering the quiz question: What is made of sugar and spice and all things nice? Answer given: porridge. Also today a girl called Lesley phones when Dynamite is talking about the Forth Road Bridge tolls to say her husband John has a tattoo of the rail bridge all over his back. Di thinks she's joking but she emails the proof. The only inaccurate thing is the blue sky!

Wednesday - It has been decreed that all will gather in the kitchen and learn to play poker. This is a bad idea with the likes of me who can barely play snap so I stick to handing out tortilla chips. Sarah, a fellow novice, has a few too many swallys and every time she gets a good hand blurts out: "Ooooh great!" before realising what she has done. She is sent home to practise her poker face. Meanwhile another one who has had a few starts hanging over people's shoulders going: "Och that's rubbish." She is sent home too - this time with a flea in her ear.

Thursday - With a crowd in Bar Roma including four rugby players from Bradford - aged 12. Suddenly one of them turns to another Bradford boy at the next table and asks for his autograph. Turns out he's also at their school and his mum knew the producer of the Teletubbies and when he was just a wee pudding his face was used as the baby in the show - you know the face in the sun? That was him. Still is! Poor thing came up to try to forget and ends up sitting next to four of his wee pals in Bar Roma! Happily he looks very different now but clearly it will follow him around forever. Time for Tubby Bye Byes and we're leaving the bar when two blokes come up and ask if we can settle an argument. So yes, I do write for the Sunday Mail and a big hello to Mark Orwin and all the guys from CR Smith.

Friday - Princes Trust fundraiser at Prestonfield - a fabulous night of decadence. Heather Suttie hosts and the place is like a wild, 1920s speakeasy. Entertainment is courtesy of Craig McMurdo and his dancing girls...and boys! The boys are high camp - bright satin shirts and high kicks, the thought ofwhich would give a lot of men a hernia. My 100 per cent heterosexual pal finds his eyes being strangely drawn to the boys and their dancing antics. Manage not to buy anything in the auction - mainly due to the fact Dave has superglued my hands to the chair. Still they raise a remarkable amount of money. This guy gets up and talks quite poetically about how the Princes Trust has changed his life and attitude which inspires a few more people to dig deep. Excellent night.

Saturday - My pal Sarah's birthday so we all head round to another friend's for curry and everyone takes along their contribution to the meal. Dynamite decided she would get a chocolate cake for the birthday girl and had charged her Dave with the task of buying it. He had been watching sport when she asked him to get it but we were delighted to see him turn up with a bag. "Is that the cake?," asks Di. "Eh, no. They didn't have any chocolate ones," he says. "What did you get instead?" I kid you not, he has bought a packet of Jammie Dodgers. I think he would have been throttled in private but it is such a Dave thing to do we all just have hysterics, including the very understanding birthday girl.