A Familiar Aroma From Dynamite

Jan 27 2008

MONDAY

Poisoned after the weekend.

Went for lunch yesterday with Dave as we hadn't been out together since last year. We'd been so well behaved that when the wine arrived it was like someone was saying, 'ready, steady, go!' And we did.

By 5pm I had phoned my pal Fiona to come and join us. She and her husband Callum ended up with us for two hours.

By 7pm I had played the piano, sung a song, eaten a copious amount of food and swallowed a gallon of booze. Time to go home.

Was in bed by 7.30pm, face down. Woke up at 2am wide awake. Got up, had breakfast, watched rubbish on telly and went back to bed at 5am. Suffering, so today is a day of water and goodness.

TUESDAY

Dynamite phones. She is also trying to spend January staying sober. She has a new car and her pal Darren bravely sat with her while she drove to Fife.

"He only grabbed the wheel twice," she revealed.

"Although he did make me drop him off at a bar. And there was a bit of a contretemps when he realised my glasses were in the boot." So she lives to tell the tale.

"So what are you doing tonight?" I ask. "I'm going to see a porn film," comes the reply. "Well it's a Japanese film that Dave wants to see but he admits it is quite rude. It had better not be porn or I'll kill him."

It's called Lust, Caution (pictured above) and I hear she was riveted by it. The sex scenes were graphic but she sat quietly for more than two hours reading the subtitles - so she claims!

WEDNESDAY

In the gymnastic emporium with Dynamite and she has adopted a new, very strong and unlikely eau de parfum. "Yes," she agrees. "I do smell rather strong today."

It turns out she got up early to go to the gym and planned to have a shower after her workout, so she just grabbed a deodorant and sprayed it on to keep her going.

It wasn't until she got home, having spent a few hours in a cloud of familiar and yet nameless scent, that she realised she had sprayed herself with Mr Sheen. Nice.

Well, they say it sprays umpteen things clean so maybe she won't need a shower.

THURSDAY

Get woken up at 7am by Dave. As he is reaching to put off the alarm his hand catches the pint of water on the bedside table and he knocks it flying in my general direction. Instead of a cup of coffee and a "good morning my darling" I get cold water and a glass on the face. Nice.

Half an hour later, Flora - half dog, half Womble - is lounging on the bed as she does every morning when I hear Louis telling her sternly to get down. "Mum, come here and see what your dog has done," he yells in a voice of disgust.

Why is she always MY dog when she has done something wrong?"

Dave and I look at each other knowingly before explaining the puddle is from the spilled glass, not poor Flora.

The expression on Louis' face is priceless as Flora heads for the hills confused.

FRIDAY

Dynamite is now officially on the road but she still needs to get a permit to park outside her flat. She heads for the permit office in Edinburgh and joins the queue.

When it is her turn, she explains what she wants and states her name.

The lady declares, "Oooh, it's Dynamite from the column. There's a celebrity in the office."

Then she asks quietly, "Is it all true what Alison writes about then?"

Di replies tentatively, "Yee-sss but please say you will still give me a parking permit?"

Happily she did and all is well. Sort of.

SATURDAY

Another week of winter is over! Hurrah! In preparation for being fit for spring - and as part of his New Year resolutions - Dave's rowing machine is retrieved from being upside down in his office and placed the right way up in the spare room. It looks quite nice. Stylish but strangely alone.

Sadly I suspect it will stay that way, although there are claims from the two men in my life that they will be on it for at least half an hour each and every day.

In deference to their commitment, I dig out my mini trampoline and dust it off - before hastily putting it away again.

Been there, done nothing. To Hell with it. Pass the Mackies, I'm in need.