The Clue To My Fitness Class Was In The Title

Sep 16 2007 Alison Craig

After Just Half An hour, I Was On the Point Of Total.

'Body Attack'

MONDAY

There was a clue in the title "body attack". Having done nothing bar saunter round the streets for years, perhaps it was a bit ambitious but nonetheless off I went at 9.15am to Ainslie Park Leisure Centre to meet my fit friend Catherine. At 9.15 on the dot, the music started pumping at 120 beats a minute. I assumed we would do a bit of a warm-up and then things would calm down again. Wrong. Fifteen minutes later, I was looking at the clock and thinking at this rate it must only last half an hour - I was about to collapse.

For 20 seconds between records, everyone retreats to the side of the room and pours water down their throats. During one such break I turned, red-faced with perspiration running down my face, back and legs and asked: "How long is this class?" "An hour," came the wheezy reply. Dear God.

Half an hour in and I was standing at the side of the room watching the fit girls jump around me knees up to the chest - one, two, one, two. As the music got faster and faster - their eyes closed, their concentration intense - I thought: "I wonder if the cafe is open? I'm dying for a cup of tea". By the time they finished, my breath was back and I was reading the notice board for a yoga class - more my thing, I think.

TUESDAY

Woke up with what I think might be tennis elbow. We did press-ups yesterday and I think the sheer weight of my body has stretched something in there.

The embarrassment of phoning my pal Fiona, who I was supposed to be playing tennis with this morning, and saying "Eh, I can't play, I've got tennis elbow" - "Oh, have you been playing a lot then?" - a fair question given the circumstances. "No, not for five years," was the rather pathetic reply. Bloody aerobics.

WEDNESDAY

Filming a commercial and, as luck would have it, I look like a gargoyle. Sometimes I wake up human, next day gargoyle. Sod's law. If I'm filming, the luck of the draw says gargoyle. To compensate, I applied far too much make-up and look like a Halloween cake.

THURSDAY

James arrived and we strolled out, sat down, had a bottle of wine between us, then decided we should go and eat something. Sensible. We plumped for the Buffalo Grill, which has a BYOB policy. So we went to the off-licence to buy a bottle of wine - singular. Sensible. In the shop, we pick a bottle of Pinot Grigio and are about to pay when the guy behind the counter said: "You know you get three for the price of two". That will save money we reasoned. We can drink one with our meal and then take one each for a later date.

So we ate and drank two bottles of wine then went back to mine and polished off the best part of the last one. Not sensible.

FRIDAY

Yuk. Pinot Grigio emanating from every pore. I phone my pal to ask her to take Louis to school so I can stand in the shower for another 10 minutes. I have a full day's work ahead and I am finding it hard. At 6pm, Edith my friend arrives and I open a bottle of wine and pour us a glass each. I can't face mine.

We venture out about seven to meet pals who are all in Friday party mode. They whoop it up as I sit remarkably quiet in the wine bar. Before I know it, my hand is up and a plate of cheesy, creamy, chilli nachos arrives, which I sit and polish off.

The fat and grease make me feel better - not sure what that says about me.

SATURDAY

I watch Louis play rugby. He scores four tries so I swell with pride. Then we're off to Aberdeen - at least that was the plan. The bridge scuppered that as we sat in traffic for two hours. It was a nightmare only slightly alleviated by a large bag of chocolate eclairs which we polished off.

On arrival, I collapse in a heap and I'm handed a glass of wine as my pal Tracy and her man Graeme pitched up. Graeme got a rod and went fishing - within 15 minutes he had hauled in a 12lb salmon. They all get released - but his face was a picture as was everyone else who had been trying for four days to catch one.

As we sat on the sunny banks of the River Dee, huge salmon were jumping right out in front of us - Scotland at its best. "How much would it cost to buy a house on the river?" I asked, thinking country life was for me after all. "About £15million," came the reply.

Moving swiftly on...

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SALMON FISHING ON THE SUNNY RIVER DEE WAS SCOTLAND AT ITS BEST. I ASKED HOW MUCH IT COST TO BUY A HOUSE THERE. '£15M,' I 'M TOLD. MOVING SWIFTLY ON...