ALISON'S DIARY

Sep 9 2007 Alison Craig

PAL PULLS A BRA FROM HER BAG IN A RESTAURANT. THE WAITER'S FACE ON CLOCKING HER OVER-SHOULDER BOULDER-HOLDER IS HYSTERICAL

MONDAY

It's exciting enough going to Scottish Slimmers tonight and learning I've lost a couple of pounds - but add to that Karen flaunting her bra in a restaurant and it is a tip-top Monday evening!

Rushing to do too many things, she inadvertently grabbed it before she left the house and shoved it in her bag. After the weigh-in, as we hadn't eaten anything beforehand, we hit a pasta bar for a big snack. It is when digging about for her purse she hauls it out unwittingly. The poor young Italian waiter's face when he clocks her substantial over-shoulder boulder-holder in all its black and lacy glory is hysterical.

When she stops talking long enough to notice why he has become rather tongue-tied she can't stop laughing as she stuffs it back into the bag. Poor guy.

TUESDAY

Dave's pal kindly invites him and Louis to a charity event to meet the Scottish rugby team. Off he goes wearing his Scottish rugby top with his name on the back of it. He meets and has his photos taken with the captain, Jason White, and fly-half Chris Paterson, who I have seen in the local supermarket in shorts and flip-flops. Clearly a very new man and very gorgeous.

Sean Lamont and his brother Rory are also supermodels in waiting. Louis also meets the team coach Frank Hadden and several others. As they are about to leave, Dave asks if he has met the two guys standing at the side of the room. "No," says Louis, looking understandably awestruck at the 6ft 8in Nathan Hines and prop Allan Jacobsen, another mountain of a man.

When these two rugby giants clock the rather apprehensive boy watching them they break into a broad grin and ask if he plays rugby. "Yes," he says. "Outside centre." "Good, we need more of those," Jacobsen says sweetly. As you can imagine, that makes his night. He returns with a camera full of photos and his rugby shirt signed from top to bottom. My friends have all ordered a copy of the Sean Lamont snap for their personal delights. I'm thinking of charging them.

WEDNESDAY

As if that wasn't enough for Louis, the latest buzz is about a disco for under-16s being run by Radio Forth. I remember a similar idea in Aberdeen in the 70s and what a carry-on we had. My main memory is when 10cc's I'm Not In Love came on - there was a rush of girls going to the loo before the boys could ask them to dance in order to practise their beginners' snogging techniques.

The latest one is on September 21 at the City Nightclub. I already have tickets for Louis, unbeknown to him. For the moment he thinks I am an evil troll trying to ruin his social life, so I shall wait and pick the right moment to tell him how wonderful I actually am.

Then again, he may not think that if he spots me lurking on the sidelines to check there are no shenanigans. But he has to remember the family motto - don't do as I do, do as I say.

THURSDAY

Spend the day eating soup. I now have a barrage balloon stomach full of it but you can eat vegetable soup and it doesn't count towards your daily check allowance. This is going well until just before midnight when I go off to bed and for some reason I open the fridge and there sitting on its lonesome is a chocolate eclair. A long chocolate and caramel one.

Within 15 seconds I have engulfed it. It is lovely but negates the point of glugging 45 gallons of wind-enducing soup in a bid to regain a less portly form. Annoyed, I sleep like a log. A chocolate log.

FRIDAY

Helping my pal move offices. Afterwards we decide we need a refreshment. Having been so good all week it was bound to happen. We have a couple of light salads and glasses of wine while talking calories.

Dynamite Di is in residence then several others join the throng. Everyone who arrives buys a bottle of wine so it all goes terribly wrong - or right actually because we have a right good laugh.

Suddenly it's 8pm and I've had a seven-hour lunch. Definitely time to head home...via the fish and chip shop. Arrive home with greasy evidence of chips round my mouth and the dog starts following me around trying to get the wrapper out of my handbag.

SATURDAY

Gulp. Had five million calories of food and drink yesterday and now all I want is a half-hundred weight of carbohydrates. Go to support Louis whose rugby season kicks off today. All the kids have grown so much the noise of bodies pounding the ground and testosterone led tackling and grunting is too much.

I don't think I will be able to avoid running on to the pitch screaming, "unhand my darling child you thug!", so I say I won't be able to watch this season. Unless Sean Lamont is planning to coach.

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STICK TO DIET ALL WEEK THEN HAVE A 7-HOUR BOOZY LUNCH..AND TRIP TO THE CHIPPY. GULP. BUT DESPITE EATING 5MILLION CALORIES, NEXT DAY ALL I WANT IS MORE CARBS