ALISON'S DIARY

Aug 12 2007 Alison Craig

GET DAVE TO HOLD MY BOOBS UP SO I CAN SEE HOW MUCH I WEIGH WITHOUT THEM..OH MY GOD THEY WEIGH A TON

MONDAY

Well that's another wild weekend over. Folk musicians Phil Cunningham and Aly Bain were playing in the garden at Raemoir House in Aberdeen on Saturday night. We were going up with my mum and dad and our pals from Oz, Scott and Kate and their kids Iain and Clare. We arrived on a glorious hot midgie-free day.

First things first, get a drink and lie on the grass - which is where we sat as the boys did their soundcheck. The only worry was our mongrels who kept snuffling around dangerously close to a few electric sockets.

The thought of one of them being fired across the lawn with 50,000 volts through its backside was a worry but amazingly they all survived. Afterwards, Phil Cunningham was scratching one of the dogs and saying it made him miss his own animal, a Spinone. Our own two scruffy pooches are not nearly as posh.

TUESDAY

It takes a few days to get over the rigours of a good weekend now. The day after is generally fine. But the day after that is when the amazing puffy face thing kicks in. It's as if all the nasty toxins build up in my eyelids and hang about in there for a day after the hangover.

Drinking 14.5 per cent proof wine doesn't help. I didn't realise that until I found my legs weren't working when I tried to stand up. Straightening up and hanging on to things is always difficult when trying to retain eye contact with someone you can see two of. I must read the percentage proof on the label.

WEDNESDAY

Having pals from Oz around is a great excuse to take up being a tourist. Back in Edinburgh we hit Camera Obscura on the Royal Mile. The whole thing is fabulous. Holograms, hands-on stuff for kids and for the more mature child (i.e. adults) too. I do recommend it.

After that we hit the Mussel Inn on the Grassmarket where we have a lovely lunch - served by Australians. It turns out all the staff are Oz. The only Scots in the place are me, Dave and Louis.

After lunch we hit Mary King's Close - creepy, scary and real. That's the close hidden under the Royal Mile. An entertaining chap takes us round in full costume telling hideous ghost stories and terrifying us - well me. After a daunder about, we head home before turning round and going straight out again, this time to drop our pals at The Tattoo. We tell them not to worry about queueing - wait until just before it starts and in you go. Save time. So, 10 minutes before it starts we wander on to the High Street and point them in the direction of the castle saying: "Off you go up there - you'll be in in no time." Off they stomp past this vast throng of folk. What on earth are they doing? Dave's nose gets the better of him so he asks a policeman: "Is there a parade or something?" "No," he says. "That's the queue for the Tattoo." Oops! If our Australian pals come back, I wonder if they'll still be speaking to us.

THURSDAY

They got back incredibly late but had a ball. Before the conversation turned to queues, I piped up that I had a paella pan and knew how to use it. Well, to be honest I only just got it and don't really know how to use it at all. So next day I slope off to my friendly fishmonger Armstrongs and ask for help. I leave with squid, clams, mussels and prawns, then pop in next door to get my green peppers, saffron and rice and head home.

The smell is fantastic as I follow the recipe to the letter. The wafts of Spanish delight cause excitement as a bottle of Vina Sol is opened to get us in the mood. By the time we sit down we have eaten all the cheese I was keeping for our pud. About a pound of chedder and brie - I shouldn't have laid it out.

We eat the paella - very, very slowly. This must be the ultimate lining - a half hundred weight of cheese folllowed by the same of rice. I will be feeling wonderful in the morning - fingers crossed.

FRIDAY

Feel fine - food is the answer. I know I have not been eating that much apart from last night but my boobs are getting bigger, I swear. I am so convinced that I get Dave to stand behind me and hold on to them so I can see how much I weigh without them. I am 11 stone with them but with Dave doing the crane business I am 10 stone 8lb. Oh my God, they do weigh a ton. No wonder I have a sore back. Maybe they are on an expansion plan of their own.

SATURDAY

I must make an appointment to get a stretch kaftan fitted - it seems the only way. They must be accommodated... but where? Where do they come from? Why are they here? Scowl at picture of Paris Hilton in a shoe-string strap top. It's surely not fair.

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I TAKE SO LONG TO MAKE THE SPANISH PAELLA, BY THE TIME WE SIT DOWN TO EAT IT, WE HAVE EATEN ALL THE CHEDDAR AND BRIE I WAS KEEPING FOR PUD