Showbiz? I'm Sleeping In A Pub Car Park

Jul 13 2008 Cat Harvey

IT'S holiday time and thousands of families are packing the buckets and spades and heading to the seaside.

While Michael Palin goes Pole to Pole I was being driven up the pole in a van travelling around Scotland with my Real Radio Breakfast Show co-host Robin Galloway, newsreader Emma York and producer Victoria Gordon.

Just for a moment, imagine living in a 20ft x 6ft space with three work colleagues for a full week - eating together, sleeping together (not like that) and hearing every cough, sneeze, snore, pump and trip to the loo.

This adventure could make or break some great friendships...

SUNDAY: Musselburgh is our first destination, a nice wee beach and pier, almost visible through horizontal rain.

It's not actually as cold as expected.

I'm sure I can feel at least three of my toes when I emerge after the traditional paddle. We waddle into a lovely restaurant where Robin asks the chef at the oven if he can put Cat's jeans in to dry. He smiles cautiously and says: "I think so?"

Ten minutes later the waitress asks who's been upsetting the chef. It turns out it's his first night, he has just arrived from Poland and thought we wanted to put a pet cat in the oven.

Owner Roberto Alfonsi arrives with our main course on a silver salver.

He lifts the lid to display a stuffed Sylvester the cat - garnished with lettuce and cucumber.

We finally check in at the Drummohr campsite. Within two minutes little Rachel and Nicole McBride, from Airdrie, invite me into their tourer for a cuppa.

Mum and dad Heather and Alan don't seem to mind and we have a right good chinwag before Robin finds me and tells me it is past my bedtime. The girls laugh.

MONDAY: Day one of the broadcast and nerves are kicking in. Will everything work? Will anyone turn up? Will the large spider staring at me in the deserted toilet block - at 4.15am in pyjamas and flip-flops - pounce when I reach for the loo roll?

We set up at Luca's icecream shop in the centre of Musselburgh - a proper oldfashioned cafe. I have Irn-Bru sorbet for breakfast. This trip is not good for my diet but it's SO much fun.

In the afternoon we head to Burntisland.

Time to take in some culture so we head for the shows!

After the bingo, candy floss and barf-inducing rides we notice Palmist James in his tent. He says I will be pregnant in August and live to be very old if I watch my drinking. This freaks me out but not as much as poor Emma who is told to watch for red cars while crossing the road.

TUESDAY: Angela, one of our listeners, arrives. She has ovarian cancer, gone through chemo and is driving to Edinburgh for a blood transfusion.

"I just wanted to come and see you because you make my day," she tells me. I cuddle her and fight back a tear for a wonderfully brave lady.

Angela, hearing your positive outlook on life made mine.

We move on to South Queens ferry and take a trip on the Maid of the Forth. I take a picture of the boat's saltire fluttering in the wind with the bridge behind and feel so patriotic a tear trickles down my face.

Our campsite for the night is in Edinburgh and is full of nice elderly people who all live for caravans.

I can see fear in their eyes when we arrive but by 8pm and after two rounds of "Stop the Bus" we are conked out. Rock'n'roll!

WEDNESDAY: Life on the road is murder for Robin's digestive system and he's not "been" for five days. I mention this on air and we are bombarded with advice.

Just as we are packing up the wires, 81-year-old Catherine Affleck turns up. She heard of Robin's plight and got THREE separate buses to reach South Queens ferry to bring him a tin of Co-op prunes.

I am moved to the core - shame Robin can't yet say the same.

We head west, destination Balloch ahead of our penultimate show in Helensburgh. The golf is on at Loch Lomond and the Lomond Woods campside is mobbed. Once again we all pass out about 8.30pm.

Four wee boys saw us arrive then decided to hammer on our door at midnight. We all smiled as they walked away laughing: "Yir show's s**** anyway!"

THURSDAY: Once again we're pitched outside a wonderful ice-cream parlour - Dino's, run by the Giarchi family. Once again I have to have a cone before 9am. Dr Gillian McKeith would combust.

The rain is bouncing off the pavements and our show sounds like it's been recorded inside a snare drum.

Robin's constipation is now a national incident. Four-year-old Fraser Kerr arrives with a Tupperware box of liquorice before Richard from Scottish Water turns up "just to make sure he does NOT do it in Helensburgh".

The Waverley, my favourite boat in the world, docks at the pier as we are leaving, so we jump on for some photos and say hello to the crew.

We hit the road again and head to Gourock...first stop, the outdoor pool.

There is only one person in it.

I fear the worst but dive in from the 3m board (what a view folks) and find it heated to perfection.

Clyde coast campsites are all full to bursting and we find ourselves with nowhere to stay.

We are broadcasting from the Cafe Continental in the morning and manage to persuade the owner to let us park behind the bar.

I've never slept in a Gourock car park before. The glamour of this job is never-ending.

FRIDAY: Gourock. Three hours' sleep. Last night's karaoke was a BAD idea. No time for a shower, so time to test the dry shampoo. I spray it on and within seconds look like 80s rock star Joey Tempest. Thank God for hats.

The show flies by with loads of fun people dropping in, including 13-year-old Lauren Macpherson who gets out her guitar to entertain the crowd.

The four of us have loved our wee home-from-home and I'm actually sad to unpack.

It sounds like a cliche but, as the tourist board keeps telling us, why not visit Scotland? You may be pleasantly surprised.

And if you get bunged up, just give old Mrs Affleck a buzz. Trust me, she'll come bearing magical gifts.

A GREAT observation was made by the chirpy Australian deckhand on the Maid of the Forth tour boat.

"The Forth Bridge kicks the Sydney Bridge's a***," he claimed. I've never read that in a travel guide but I have to agree.

A HELLO to Morag at BP in South Queens ferry. She called police after seeing two dodgy-looking characters with black bags and sticks on the beach. She feared they had puppies and planned to beat and drown them. The cops arrived and apprehended the men, only to spot 'Litter Patrol' on their jackets.

I LOVE meeting eccentric people and on my trip on the Waverley I spoke to Peter and Jenny Longhurst, top, of Surrey. They love the ship and spend every holiday sailing "doon the watter". They have been on board more than 1000 times and Jenny has knitted 2000 hats in the colour and style of the ship's funnels. She said: "I just love the big steamer." I am fairly sure she meant the boat, not her man.